


Heart Of The Matter

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Fluff, Romance, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-02
Updated: 2004-11-27
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin collapses during his shift at the diner.  However, the cause is so much worse than anyone imagined.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

* Collapse*

Brian paced the small waiting room of Allegheny General like a caged animal. 

“What the fuck is taking so long?” he muttered, paying no attention to the concerned faces of his friends.

He couldn’t believe it was happening again. It hadn’t been all that long ago that he had stood in this very room, waiting to find out if his lover would live or die. He wasn’t prepared to be in the same position again so soon.

Justin had been working the afternoon shift at the Liberty Diner when Brian stopped in on his lunch hour. Brian had been sitting at the counter, watching Justin pour a cup of coffee when it happened. Justin had turned around, suddenly very pale. He opened his mouth as though he wished to say something, but before he could make a sound, he collapsed.

Brian shook his head quickly to dispel the memory of Justin laying lifeless on the floor of the diner while he called for help. His breathing had been extremely shallow, and Brian had been terrified that it would stop altogether. Everything that had happened after the collapse was a blur to Brian. He remembered cradling Justin’s head in his lap, remembered talking to the teenager, yet he had no recollection of what he had said. He remembered the painfully long ambulance ride, praying the whole time that Justin would open his eyes and say that he was alright, yet that moment never came. Most of all, he remembered the hastily spoken medical jargon that he couldn’t even begin to understand, but that scared the living shit out of him all the same.

“Hey, he’s gonna be ok. You know that right?” Lindsay’s soothing voice broke Brian of his thoughts.

Brian nodded, and sat down, finally focusing on the people around him. He was grateful that they had all dropped everything when he called to say Justin was in trouble. Michael, Ted, Emmett, Lindsay and Melanie, Debbie, and Jennifer. They were all there. Brian forced himself to smile at them.

“I just wish I knew why they were taking so damn long. We brought him in over two hours ago,” Brian grumbled.

“I should’ve sent him home,” Debbie spoke   
up, “He said he wasn’t feeling well, but that he’d finish his shift anyway. I knew I shouldn’t have listened.”

“Ma, it’s not your fault,” Michael said, rubbing Debbie’s arm.

Before anyone else had the chance to speak, a young female doctor walked into the room.

“Are you all here for Justin Taylor?” she asked.

Brian jumped to his feet, heart racing. “How is he?” 

“I’m Dr. Nicole Carter, and I’ve been treating Justin since he was brought in. His collapse appears to have been the result of an irregular heartbeat. We were able to stabilize him, but his heart is still beating in an abnormal rhythm. He’s been admitted, and as soon as he regains consciousness, I’m going to run a few tests to see if there is an underlying cause for all of this,” the doctor explained.

“He’ll be ok, Doctor, won’t he?” Jennifer spoke up, leaning on Debbie for support.

“We’re expecting him to wake up very soon. Once he does, and we can run some tests, I’ll be able to answer that question for you,” Dr. Carter said, “He’s in Room 5078 on the 4th floor. You can go see him now.” 

Brian turned to Jennifer. “Would you mind if I go first?” he asked, his voice breaking.


	2. Heart Of The Matter

*Confessions*

Brian quietly slipped into Room 5078, steeling himself for Justin’s appearance. It had taken him nothing short of begging to be allowed these precious few minutes alone with the teenager before everyone else would join him in the room. He was relieved to see that only an IV and a heart monitor were present in the room, and that Justin just looked to be in a sound sleep. Slumping into a chair close to the bed, Brian gently took Justin’s hand in his, running his thumb tenderly over the blonde’s knuckles.

“Hey Sunshine,” he spoke softly, his voice gruff from fighting back tears.

Had he not been so worried about his young lover, Brian would have been amused at the scene playing out before him. It was something you would see on a soap opera. The distraught boyfriend clinging desperately to his sick lover’s hand, whispering sweet nothings and fighting back tears. It was for this reason he had avoided Justin’s hospital room after the bashing; he didn’t want to be seen by anyone like that. It was also for this reason he didn’t tell Justin about his cancer until after the fact. Justin was just enough of a drama princess to have sat at his bedside, crying, and telling him how much he loved him. Brian chuckled at the thought. 

Brian leaned back in the chair, still holding Justin’s hand. He took a few minutes to fully process the teenager’s appearance. He was paler than usual, Brian noticed. His hair seemed blonder than ever, against the pure white pillow. Should anyone look in on him, he would appear to be in a comfortable sleep, yet Brian knew better. He had shared his bed with the boy for too long not to know his sleeping patterns intimately. He knew that if Justin had simply been asleep, his mouth would be wide open, soft snores coming from it. He’d have a slight smile on his face, as though he was having an amazing dream. No, he wasn’t just sleeping, Brian knew, and that shook him to the core. 

“You scared the shit out of me before,” Brian continued, moving his free hand into Justin’s soft blonde hair, “God, for a split second I thought I had lost you. I’ve come way too close to losing you way too many times, you know. And its starting to scare me. I’m fucking terrified that when you wake up, and the doctor runs these goddamn tests, she’s gonna tell us that there really is something wrong with you, and I don’t know if I can handle that, Sunshine. I don’t know if I can face losing you again.” He was crying openly now. “I hope you know that you’re the only person on earth that has this effect on me. Here I am, crying like a baby because you’re sick. I’m turning into such a hetero,” he chuckled. He watched Justin’s chest rise and fall softly for a few minutes, and the slightly off-kilter beeps from the heart monitor disconcerted him, making him turn serious again. “I know I’ve always skirted around the issue, never saying the actual words, but I also know that you know exactly how I feel about you. So I’m going to make you a promise. When you wake up, and God, Sunshine, I hope its soon, I’m going to say it. I know you’re listening to me saying all this right now and are thinking, ‘Dammit, Brian, just say it right now.’, but I’m not going to. I want you to be awake the first time I say it. I want to be looking into your eyes, so I can make sure you know that I’m telling you the truth. So I promise that it will the first thing I will say to you when you open your eyes.”

Brian leaned over and placed a whisper of a kiss on Justin’s lips, before settling back in the chair and preparing himself for what he hoped wouldn’t be too long of a wait for his lover to awaken.


	3. Heart Of The Matter

*I Should Tell You*

Jennifer Taylor stood in the doorway of her son’s room, silently witnessing Brian’s confession. She had always known there were deep feelings between the two men, but she had also strongly believed Justin to care more for Brian than Brian cared for Justin. Listening to his heartfelt speech, she knew she was wrong. Brian Kinney was in love with her son. The thought didn’t bother her as much as she expected it to. 

“Brian?” she spoke softly, finally entering the room.

Brian quickly swiped at his eyes and stood, reluctantly letting go of Justin’s hand. “Jennifer,” he whispered.

“Any change?” Jennifer asked.

Brian just shook his head. “I’m gonna go...let you have some time with him.”

Jennifer nodded, and pulled Brian into a hug before he could leave. “You have to be strong for him now, ok? He needs you,” she whispered, kissing his cheek and letting him leave. 

 

Brian stood outside of the doors to the hospital, struggling to light a cigarette. 

“Fuck!” he exclaimed, after his third attempt failed due to his trembling hands. 

“Let me help you,” a soothing voice murmured, and he turned around to see Michael, gently taking the lighter out of his hands. Brian nodded, gratefully. “How are you holding up?”

“Barely hanging on,” Brian admitted, taking a long drag off of his cigarette. 

“He’s gonna be ok, Brian. He always is.”

“What if this is the one time he isn’t? What if I actually lose him this time? I got him back after the bashing. I got him back after the fucking fiddler. What if I don’t get him back this time?” Brian’s voice was shaking.

“You’re gonna drive yourself crazy with ‘what ifs’, you know that. You can’t let yourself imagine every horrible scenario that can come out of this. You won’t do yourself any good, and you sure as hell won’t do him any good.”

“Its just...Its just that every time things finally start going right between us, something I can’t control fucks it up. I show up at the prom, make him happier than I had ever seen him, and he takes a bat to the head. He lost all memory of that night. Mikey, that night was incredible. You have no idea. It kills me to think that he lost that. But I still got him back. We start living together, and he meets the fiddler. I went through eight months of hell without him. I let him go because I wanted him to be happy, even if that meant him being with someone else. But I got him back again. My cancer, shit, Mikey, I threw him out! I told him that I never wanted to see him again. He loved me enough not to believe me. To stand by me. Things have been amazing between us lately. He turned down the job in LA to move in with me. I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I even stopped tricking so much. And now, his heart...” Brian trailed off, openly crying now.

Michael just held him. “Go ahead, let it out. Better to do it now than in front of Justin. He’s gonna need you to be strong.”

Before Brian could respond, Debbie burst through the doors.

“Brian! Sunshine’s awake!” she exclaimed.

Brian rushed back into the hospital and rode the elevator to the fourth floor in a daze. His Sunshine was awake, and he’d finally be able to tell him the words he wanted so badly to say. He hesitated outside the door to Room 5078. He was really going to do it. Taking a deep breath, Brian slipped into the room.

Justin laid there, staring at the ceiling. His gaze shifted to the door when he heard his lover enter the room. 

“Brian,” the name came out just above a whisper.

Brian sat down beside the teenager, and gently placed a finger on his lips, shushing him.

“I love you, Justin Taylor. I love you so much,” Brian said, his voice gruff with emotion.

The beeps from Justin’s heart monitor suddenly came at a faster pace with his words. Brian chuckled a little at the response.

“I love you, too, Brian Kinney,” Justin said, that sunshine smile lighting his face.

The blonde had never looked so beautiful to Brian before. The older man leaned down, and captured Justin’s lips with his.


	4. Heart Of The Matter

*Diagnosis*

Brian sat perched on the side of Justin’s bed, clutching the blonde’s hand in his. They were patiently awaiting Dr. Carter’s news on the cause of Justin’s collapse. The boy had gone for a battery of tests earlier in the day, and had received a call that the doctor would be in to discuss the results with him momentarily. 

“You’re gonna wrinkle your brand new Prada suit sitting like that,” Justin teased, raising their joined hands to his lips and kissing Brian’s knuckles. Brian smiled at Justin’s comment. He did seem to be better today. He had forced Brian to go home the night before, shortly after his declaration of love, swearing that he felt well enough to be on his own for the night. Even more shocking was the fact that he had convinced Brian to go into the office that morning, telling his older lover that there would be nothing for him to do but wait while he went for his tests. However, he had called Brian the second he’d returned to his room, needing the comfort of the man he loved while he waited to find out about his health. Now they sat in the small room, along with Jennifer, waiting for Dr. Carter. 

Before Brian could get out a snarky reply, the Dr. Carter breezed into the room. 

“How are you feeling, Justin?” she asked, smiling at the blonde. She had grown quite fond of him in the time since he had been admitted. 

“Better.”

“Great. Well, I have your test results in,” she began. Jennifer reached for Justin’s free hand, and Brian instinctively scooted closer to his lover. “Justin, as you know, you collapsed yesterday afternoon because your heart was beating in an abnormal rhythm. This could’ve had any number of causes, as I explained, which is why we had to run so many tests. It seems that the cause of your condition is a ventricular septal defect.”

“What the fuck is that?” Brian asked, more than a little scared.

“A VSD is a hole in the wall of the heart. They are generally congenital, meaning that you are born with them. I believe this to be the case with you, Justin, and that had never been large enough to cause you any trouble. Were you ever aware of the fact that you had a heart murmer?” 

“Yes, but...” Justin trailed off.

“The doctors had always told us that it was nothing to be worried about,” Jennifer spoke up.

“It might not have been at the time. However, it appears to have grown to a size that has caused some problems. Justin, you were lucky yesterday. Things could’ve turned out a lot worse for you. I want to schedule you for surgery within the next few weeks. We need to get this taken care of. I’m going to let you go home tomorrow, since your heart rate has returned to normal, but I want you in my office next week to set up the operation.” The doctor patted his hand gently and left.

Justin sighed and leaned back against the pillows. Almost instantaneously, he felt himself being engulfed in Brian’s strong arms. He could’ve sworn he felt the wetness of tears when the older man buried his face in his shoulder. Jennifer just clung to her son’s hand in disbelief. She couldn’t understand how no one had caught this sooner. 

“Love you,” Brian whispered, his face still buried in Justin’s neck. 

“Love you too, Bri,” Justin sighed, clinging desperately to his lover.

Brian picked his head up and stared into Justin’s sapphire eyes. “We’re gonna get through this together, Sunshine, I swear. I’m not going to lose you again.” 

“Sweetheart, we’re going to face this as a family. All of us. You’re going to be ok, you’ll see,” Jennifer spoke for the first time since the doctor left.

Justin simply nodded. _Why can’t I ever catch a break?, he thought._


	5. Heart Of The Matter

*Interlude - Brian’s POV*

Christ. Ventricular Sep—whatever the fuck. Heart murmur...surgery. When the hell are we ever going to get a break? How didn’t I ever notice something was off? I’ve listened to his heartbeat countless times. Especially right after the bashing. I never told him about that, but late at night, when I knew he was in a deep sleep, I’d lay my head on his chest and focus in on his heartbeat to reassure myself that he was alive. I needed to know that he was real. How the fuck did I never notice that there was something wrong?

I still can’t fathom the idea of someone cutting into my Sunshine’s chest and touching his heart for Chrissakes. I want to just crawl into that bed with him and protect him from this impending invasion into his body. I wish that would be enough. 

I feel like somehow this is my fault. Its stupid, I know, but I can’t help blaming myself for not noticing sooner. For not picking up on his not feeling well, or how he’s been getting winded so easily lately, or even that his heartbeat was off on any of the countless nights we’ve spent pressed against each other, hearts pounding against the other’s chest. Then, I think of that one night a few weeks ago and mentally smack myself for being oblivious to his condition. I had been so entranced by the rhythm of his heart that night...I should’ve known.

Justin had wanted to try tantric sex. God knows how, but he convinced me to go along with his plan. One of the premises of tantra is for partners to make their hearts beat in unison during lovemaking. We lay in bed for hours, breathing synchronized, hands on each other’s chests, feeling each other’s life force. I had never felt closer to him. Why the hell didn’t I realize?

I love him. I can’t lose him. Not now, not to this. I just wish I knew of a way to take this away from him. I prayed last night for the first time in years that God would take this away from him and give it to me. I deserve this, not him. He doesn’t deserve any kind of pain, ever. Then, I prayed for God just to allow me to keep him. It’s a selfish prayer, I know, but I need him. I need him more than I’ve ever needed anything or anyone in my entire life. He’s everything to me, and I’m so fucking terrified that this is going to be the time I don’t get him back.

He’s coming home tomorrow, he’s finally stabilized. I get to keep him for a few weeks until he goes back into the hospital, and that fucking doctor cuts into him and...I can’t even think about it. All I want to think about is crawling under the duvet with him tomorrow night, making love for hours, and falling asleep with my head on his chest and his heartbeat under my ear. Who knows how much longer I’ll be able to do that.


	6. Heart Of The Matter

Justin lay on his back, his fingers skittering along Brian’s spine as they lay tangled together in the sheets, Brian’s head pillowed on his chest. He had been home for no more than 3 hours, and they had made love twice as many times. 

“Why now?” Justin’s softly spoken question broke the comfortable silence.

“Why now what?” Brian asked, looking up into his lover’s eyes.

“Why did you tell me you love me now?”

“I don’t know. I guess I felt like I had waited long enough.”

“Oh, so because there’s a good chance I might die, you decided to suck it up and actually   
say the words?” Justin’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Don’t say that! Don’t you ever fucking say that!” Brian grew angry. “I told you that I love it because I meant it. I meant every goddamn word, and you fucking know it. You’ve always known it, Justin. And don’t you even THINK about dying. You’re not going to die.”

Justin’s face softened at the sight of the older man’s face, no longer angry, but devastated, stained with tears. 

“You can’t die, Sunshine. I can’t lose you again. I need you,” Brian’s words came out barely above a whisper.

Justin pulled Brian up to their faces were inches apart. “I’m scared, Brian” he admitted for the first time.

“Me too, Baby. Me too.”

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

 

Later in the week, Brian and Justin returned to Dr. Carter’s office to schedule surgery for Justin. They decided on the following Friday, August 13, early in the morning for the operation. This was quickly enough to prevent Justin’s condition from worsening, as well as giving him enough time to recover before the fall semester at PIFA began. He wanted to avoid missing school time as much as possible. 

Justin had been given instructions to check into the hospital two hours before surgery on Friday morning. He and Brian decided to stay home, just the two of them, the night before “the day”, as they had begun to call it.

“How are you holding up?” Brian asked softly, running his finger’s through Justin’s hair.

Justin shrugged. “Ok, I guess. How bout you?”

“I’m fucking terrified, Sunshine,” he admitted.

Justin leaned forward and kissed Brian deeply. “I know, Baby. I am too. But its gonna be ok. No matter what happens tomorrow, it’ll be ok.”

“What do you mean ‘no matter what happens?’ Nothing is going to happen. You’re going to be fine, you hear me?” Brian’s voice held just a tinge of panic in it.

“Brian, we don’t know that. You heard Dr. Carter last week. This is major heart surgery. There are risks involved. Huge risks. There is a chance, a very real chance, that I could die. You have to be prepared for that.”

“But there is a better chance that you’ll be just fine. Why not focus on that?”

“I’m trying, Bri. But I’m also trying to be realistic, for both of our sakes. What if I don’t make it? I want you to realize that it’ll still be ok.”

“How? How can it be ok without you?”

“You were ok before me, Bri. You’ll be ok after me, too.”

“Can we stop talking about this, please, Sunshine? I just want to be with you tonight, please?” Brian asked desperately.

Justin nodded, and kissed his lover again. “Make love to me?” the blonde asked softly.

Brian shook his head. “You make love to me.”

Justin’s eyes widened. “You sure?”

“I need to feel you, Sunshine, please.”

“God, I love you,” Justin whispered. 

“I love you, too. More than you’ll ever know,” came Brian’s response.


	7. Heart Of The Matter

Eight AM, August 13 came much quicker than either Brian or Justin had wished. They sat now in a small room near the operating suites of Allegheny General, waiting for Dr. Carter to take Justin into surgery to correct a congenital heart defect. Justin lay on a gurney, lightly sedated, running his thumb over the knuckles of Brian’s hand.

“Sunshine?” Brian asked softly, reluctantly breaking the comfortable silence.

“Yeah, Bri?”

“You’re going to come back to me, right?” Brian asked, sounding like a frightened child.

“Don’t I always?” Justin flashed his sunshine grin.

Before Brian could answer, Dr. Carter appeared to take Justin into surgery. “Ready to rock and roll?” she asked, smiling.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” came Justin’s tired response.

“I’ll be right there when you wake up, Jus,” Brian said softly, stroking his boy’s hair.

Justin nodded as Dr. Carter began to wheel him from the room. “I love you, Brian.”

“I love you, too, Sunshine,” Brian said softly as he watched his lover disappear behind the large doors of the operating room.

Brian joined the rest of his extended family in the waiting room soon after he watched Justin be wheeled away. His hands were shaking visibly as he took a seat beside Jennifer. He said nothing, but allowed himself to be wrapped in a hug from his lover’s mother. Brian could feel the woman’s tears against his neck.

“The little brat isn’t going anywhere, ok?” Brian whispered in her ear.

Jennifer chucked a bit and nodded, swiping at her eyes. Brian didn’t speak much after that. He sat in silence, watching the clock on a far wall in the room, listening to the aimless chatter around him. He wanted nothing more than for the next few hours to be over. He wanted his Sunshine back, safe and sound. 

The hours passed by far too slowly for Brian. Debbie’s false cheerfulness, and Michael’s overbearing concern had become far too much for him. Just as he thought he was about to snap, Dr. Carter walked into the room.

“Are you all here for Justin Taylor?” she asked. When they all nodded, she continued. “I’m afraid I have some bad news.”


	8. Heart Of The Matter

Brian sat in the small ICU cubicle, stroking his lover’s ashen cheek. Justin was in a coma. Dr. Carter had explained that although the hole in Justin’s heart had been repaired, the blonde had flatlined several times during surgery. The trauma to his system had sent him into a coma. They had been assured that the coma was Justin’s body’s way of recuperating, and that he was expected to come out of it within a few days. 

“You can’t do anything simply, can you?” Brian asked Justin’s still form. Justin’s appearance had shocked him when he had first entered the room. His skin was deathly pale, and his body was incredibly still. What had disturbed him most, however, was the fact that, at least for now, Justin’s breathing was being aided by a respirator. The only sign of life in the tiny room was the slow, steady beeps coming from the heart monitor.

“You’re going to kill me one of these days, Sonny boy, I swear. You’re putting us through one hell of a ride, ya know. Your mother nearly fainted, Debbie is crying enough tears to flood the fucking hospital out, and me…” Brian trailed off, trying to keep his own tears at bay. “I’m fucking terrified, Justin. Seeing you like this is…unbearable. I think this might be worse than all those nights I watched you after the bashing. Dr. Carter said that this is just a way for your body to recover from the shock of the surgery, and that you’re gonna wake up soon. For some reason, I can’t find it in myself to believe her. I wanted to fucking scream at her that she wasn’t the one who would suffer if you didn’t wake up. I am. Sunshine, you have to wake up. I can’t do this without you. I know that its taken me almost five years to admit that to you and to myself, but I swear it’s the truth. I can’t imagine being without you. I love you so much, Jus. Please baby, you’ve got to wake up.” Brian laid his head down on the bed beside his lover, and cried himself to sleep.

Jennifer Taylor found him in the same position about a half hour later, when she entered the room to visit with her son. She was shocked both by the appearance of her son, and by the sight of his lover sleeping with his head on the bed, and tear stains marring his handsome face. The scene tugged at her heart. Had she ever doubted the love Brian Kinney had for her son, she didn’t any longer. It was obvious that he was desperately in love with Justin. She offered a silent prayer that both she and Brian would keep him in their lives.


End file.
